Relationships

By Appreciable Goodfaithpoet

We must love our family more than our Occupations. After we are retired from our employment, it is our family that we want to continue to the end of our lives and throughout all eternity.

Consider the following quotes from Pauline Boss…

"Nobody is a perfect parent. Actually the imperfections of the average family are the child's first introduction to the real, imperfect world they would later have to cope with on their own."


"Sometimes when a family cannot obtain the facts about the whereabouts of a family member they take it on themselves to make a decision or choice whether that person is in or out of the family system. When a family member is consistently "missing", psychologically or physically, the rest of the family may decide to "close the individual out" and to proceed with family life as if he or she were not there. Although someone is missing the family is in limbo. They are unable to grieve their loss because they do not know if that person is in our out of the family. After they have been in limbo for a time and unsuccessful in their attempts to bring back the absent person, the family may decide that the situation is irretrievable. They now recognize that the family will never return to the way it once was, and the missing person is indeed gone and no longer available to them. With perceptions more or less agreed on even in the absence of clear facts, the family begins to grieve what they have lost. Sometimes a family makes a mistake in their decision. For example when a missing person returns after years of absence the family has to reopen its boundaries to let the person back in. Although reunions are usually positive, they can cause increased stress for individuals and families who had closed out the missing person. Getting family members back as well as loosing them can produce stress for families. Both loss and acquisition disturb the equilibrium and require reorganization not only of boundaries but also of all system interactions. This is a concept called 'family boundary ambiguity.' "

"Usually one family member breaks through the denial pattern first and, if allowed to talk freely, will break open the family's "unspoken secret" for everyone. Although painful, this action is the beginning of family reorganization and health. Lower stress and better health becomes possible for them despite their loss. The family talks together, perhaps cries together, and then reorganizes their family boundary, taking into account their loss. When families do not break through this denial system, their stress levels often increase."

"When a family member is missing, physically or psychologically, a high degree of boundary ambiguity keeps people in limbo. When there is no clear course of action, ambivalence can thrive. People dread closing out the family member who has been missing for a long time but at the same time they hope for closure and to be done with the waiting. They may even become angry with and wish that they could just never think of the person again and then be consumed with guilt for having such thoughts. The distress that results from conflicting emotions can become so overwhelming that families and the individuals in them become immobilized. They cannot decide what to do or how to act. They freeze. Ambivalence may be a normal reaction to a chronically ambiguous situation. This immobilization can be considered as frozen grief, low mastery, helplessness, hopelessness, blocked coping, blocked decision making, anxiety, depression, or all these. High boundary ambiguity during situations of ambiguous loss can lead to ambivalent feelings and behaviors toward the missing family member. Such feelings can best be coped with if they are recognized, talked about, and normalized to minimize immobilization from guilt and shame."

Consider also this statement from James Q. Wilson…
"We learn to cope with the people of this world because we learn to cope with the members of our family. Those who flee the family flee the world; bereft of the family's affection, tutelage, and challenges, they are unprepared for the world's tests, judgments, and demands"

And this follow-up comment by Neal A. Maxwell…
"How ironical that some go into a far country, leaving the nourishing family garden--in which there may be some weeds--and go into a desert with its tumbling sagebrush." (End Quote)

Let us stand with our families and work through the problems common to every family. Our Heavenly Father wants us to love one another.

I hope that you have a wonderful day!

P.S. An Iowan walks into the hardware store to buy a chain saw. He says, "I want one that'll cut down about ten trees in an hour." So the clerk sells him one. The next day, the Iowan comes in all upset and says, "Hey, this chain saw only cut down one little tree in one hour!" The clerk said, "Gee, Let me take a look at it." And he pulled on the starter rope and the saw started up and the Iowan said, "Hey, what's that noise?"
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Sincerely,
-Appreciable Goodfaithpoet